love.

As we waited, watching the blank screen buzz around, an image bounced into focus: our baby! Our child! I studied it’s perfect head, it’s adorable nose, and soaked up it’s tiny hands. A tear trickled down my face. “Baby! It’s our baby!” It is distinctly human. No longer a jelly bean, nor a little blob, but a human—with ten tiny toes, ten tiny fingers, and a thumb, that it was presently sucking upon. I looked down at my little baby bump, which, at this point, is still being mistaken more often as a food belly verses a pregnant tummy. In fact, besides the nausea and few extra pounds my mind could not grasp the reality of a living, active, existing, person dwelling within me. I kept trying to wrap my mind around it. I tried to stare harder at the sonogram, as if to let it sink in, but instead, tears rained down all the more. We sat there enthralled, in awe, and in delight. We watched it drink, we watched it’s reflexes act, and then the reaction of them which caused him/her to move and kick. And we fell in love. How can you love someone you’ve never met? How can you be so attached to someone you’ve never held? 

Missing it

Oppression: to wear away, “to wear out,” as one would wear out a garment.

I found myself sucked into religion again. This week, I had done all the right things. I had discipled others, loved the poor, prayed for the sick, lead in church, and spent time with God—yet, when I paused long enough to stop, it felt like Jesus was far from me.

I battled with myself. My head knows that “God is not far from any one of us,” (Acts 17:26), but my heart felt sad at the thought that I hadn’t felt like I had been with Him. Mentally, I recognized that HE had been with ME (Matt 1:23), but a tear fell down my face, as I realized, that I was the one that hadn’t been with Him…and I missed Him…

Unknowingly, I had become obsessed about doing religious things, doing the right things. I had been working to gain Jesus’ love and attention, and by doing so, I had missed the gospel completely. Being religious is dangerous because it’s an action that has grown attached to Christianity, without a correct definition to match what Jesus really cared about; relationship with Him.

Not that there’s anything wrong with doing good things. In fact, Jesus even asked us to-- He asked us to take care of the poor, to love those in front of us, to give to those in need, and to enjoy the fellowship of believers—but He asked us to do that WITH Him…not apart from Him. Somewhere along this week, I let “task mode” get the best of me, and though I achieved a lot of great things, it was all in vain, because it was done without my Savior: meaningless.

We assume that by being good religious people, we are making improvements in our Christian walk. Moving onward with our religious works, we allow our focus to shift. Often times, by being religious, it looks like we’re all about Jesus, but removes the person of Christ and, thus, the very relationship that He died to gain for us. See how sneaky Satan is? If he can get us to think about religion, more than we think about the person of Jesus, he distracts us just long enough to have us think we’re moving in the right direction until we look back and realize that we’ve left Jesus far behind.

When religion creeps in, it removes Jesus off His throne and places you there instead. Now, you, are sitting at the center of your life—desperately trying to take rule, reign, or control over your own life. Whether you want to do great things, for good people, or merely try to take back control over your life that feels chaotic, and “shakey,”—and you’re tired. You’re tired because no matter what you do—you can’t measure up. You will never be enough, do enough or control enough to bring your life into order. You can’t live up to Perfection—because you threw HIM, off His throne. But there’s good news for me, (and for everyone else who have found themselves caught in this cycle): God is not far. We need only to repent of our pride and invite God back into the center of our lives.

God, I repent for losing my focus. God I repent for doing all the right things…without YOU. Thank you God that you were still there with me, even though I had forgotten you. God I want to be friends with you. God would you open the eyes of my heart that I would see you this week. God would I see you when I’m doing dishes at home. God would I see you when I’m driving in the car. Would I see you when I’m sitting on the couch, walking in the neighborhood, spending time with friends, or just talking with You. God I say that you are The most important One of my life, of my week, of my day.  Help me Lord to see you in everything I do, think and see. I love you.

12 Weeks

11 Weeks

October 10

Dear Baby,

     Today Daddy and I went to the pumpkin patch! We had so much fun picking out pumpkins and playing around like little kids ourselves. We found a bunch of lovely ones that we enjoyed, but in the end, we took home three little bitty ones: one for you, one for me, and one for Daddy. We had so much fun talking about you today and dreaming about what our holidays will look like. We're so excited to start new family traditions with you, and introduce you to our old ones. But most of all, we're just excited about you. We love you little one! 

 --Our little Pumpkin Man!

(Top: Fun at the Pumpkin Patch! Bottom: Daddy being silly!) 

October 6

Fall is here! Few things are richer than the first fall chill of the season. You can start smelling different houses lighting their fireplaces and the distant scent of pumpkin cooking in houses all around. Bundling up in our favorite sweats, Scott and I ventured out to the fresh fall morning and went for a walk through our neighborhood. It was a kind of day that made you want to eat nachos and watch a college football game--only we don't have cable, or a TV antenna, so instead, we settled on a Netflix: "Turtle Tale." The rest of the day was filled with naps, nausea, and exhaustion. I was so sad because our day had started so sweetly, but had come to a bit of a crash with all the sickness I was battling. Too weak to go out, my brilliant husband came up with the most wonderful idea: craft night! We decided to decorate our little house on Maple Ave with fall decor. We made a pumpkin spice cake, in the shape of a pumpkin, and made our first wreath ever out of paper towel rolls and cupcake liners. We had a blast being creative together, and laughed with delight as our sweet little wreath became the story teller of our past 8 months of marriage--Scott, Jenny, and now, baby McB. 

Oh The Nausea!

I picked up a few things from Target the other week, while carrying my designated “throw up” bowl.  As I tossed my “now purchasing” items on the scanner along with the bowl (by accident), the lady tried to scan it. “No sorry, this one’s mine, I brought it from home.” No explanation…and from her looks, none wanted.

Having to carry my goldfish everywhere, they came with me to my Substitute Teaching training. Half way through the class I felt the need to consume them, but also felt the guilt. You know, that same guilt that came just as strongly as it had in 9^th grade when food was forbidden in the classroom. What is a grown adult doing with goldfish? So professional.

Scott was wondering what I had for dinner, but when he heard me gagging, he came to meet me in the bathroom—having projectile vomited spaghetti on the wall. #nowheknows. J

Hugging onto my beloved goldfish while standing yet again in the checkout line at HEB, the cashier asked to scan my item. I smiled and said, “Oh these are already mine, I brought them from home.” “Do you have a receipt?” “Oh ya, I always keep them….” (digging through the purse; rummaging). “Sorry…I must have thrown it away….” The waiting was scary. I have already spent more money of my goldfish than any kindergarten classroom,—“Aww, that’s Ok, I won’t get all bent out of shape over goldfish.” Bless you!

Worship

Dear Baby,

      Today was a rough day for mommy. She felt sick—really sick; throwing up at least 4 times, enduring a bad headache, 2 boxes of tissues worth of congestion, nausea, exhaustion, and all sorts of stomach issues. However, I was determined to feel better, so I decided to take on the day by myself. In my pajamas, I entered our neighbor Walgreens with tears, and in quest for some new medicine. I didn’t want to be seen as a wimp, or a burden to others (which is also called “pride” and “fear of rejection”). And you know what? The only thing it led to was more exhaustion. When your dad called, I wasn’t very nice to him, in fact I was pretty mean. But do you know what he did in response to my hurting? He loved me. He left work early, ran by the grocery store to pick up my favorite ice cream and a movie. His kindness knocked down every wall inside of me and I broke down and melted inside of his arms. He tied back my hair as I threw up and held me as I cried. And as my head throbbed and stomach churned, he grabbed his guitar, brought it into our room and began to worship. Daddy and I sang songs to Jesus together. Not because we felt like it, but because we chose to love Jesus, even in the midst of our pain. We realize that even when our days are bad, God is still Good. We have learned that even when circumstances are hard, or when we have fought all day, or been sick for a really long time, one thing we know for sure—Jesus loves us still…and we love Him still. We can’t promise you our perfection. We can’t promise you all good days. And we can’t promise you a lack of trials. However, what we can promise you, is that God IS and always WILL be good. And we commit to you baby, to seek Him all the days of our lives. Bad days will happen, but God is still near, close and good. We, as McBrayers, choose to worship Jesus because He has saved us, changed us, and been near to us always and forever. He is our friend, and we can’t wait to introduce you to Him. We love you baby.

9 Weeks

8 Weeks

Serendipity

August 29:
     As Scott opened the front door to our house, he was met with heated up leftovers for lunch, and Stevie Wonder playing in the background. As the music played on, the sounds of "Isn't she Lovely" rang through our small two bedroom house, I ran to greet him with a hug and a kiss, and a little bit of news; "I think we're pregnant." I could see his eyebrows raise through his tented sunglasses; an expression of shock, excitement and perhaps, terror. Though, he was surprised, he didn't seem as surprised as I had been three hours earlier. He was calm and collective, and smiling through and through. I had taken a pregnancy test, it was utterly positive, and yet, I was in absolute denial. I began to unfold my morning to him with inserts of, "I mean, these things probably aren't that accurate anyway," "there's no way this is actually true," "I won't believe it until I hear a doctor confirm it," etc. Meanwhile, my sweet husband, chuckled to himself first, then towards me at my irrationality, and then in joy at the thought of this serendipity--



August 31:
   I had been crying on and off for the days that laid in between our "discovery," and our doctor visit. For starters, my parents were out of country, and I didn't want to call them overseas until we "knew for sure." Therefore, we were trying to wait to tell others our "potential news," until we were able to tell our parents. However, the mere thought of this little baby, being a reality--changed everything.

       Where would I work? What about all of our current, and many, responsibilities? Will I still be    
       able to do it all? How sick will I be during my first tri-mester?
       Then the more daunting questions: What about my dreams? What about my free time? And
       spontaneity? What about road trips and girl trips and the freedom to go anywhere at anytime?
       What about Scott and I? It will never just be "us" again! Stay at home! I can't stay at home! I'm
       the biggest extrovert anyone has ever seen! Do you know that babies can't even really talk for
       the first few years of their lives! I'm going to go crazy!

  Our trip to the doctor was almost as humorous. After answering questions, the doctor came back with our test.
       "Congratulations! The test came back positive. You are in fact pregnant. You're about 5 weeks
        along. Your due date is May 4th. This is what we give to all our new parents---"

WHOA! Hold on! Dear Doctor, I know this is your job, and you are very use to delivering this type of information to your patients, but this is our lives--that happen to be drastically changing at every sentence you hand us.
However, on the other hand....we were filled with joy. Due Date! OUR baby has a due date! It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. Hearing my name tagged along with our baby's birthday. I wanted to cry with joy and excitement right there, but chose to smile and thank the doctor instead.
Scott and I walked out of the office laughing and grabbing some celebratory Dairy Queen on the way out.



September 1:
   My mom's cell phone rings on her cruise ship at 4:00am, and a really sleepy, and fairly anxious voice answers, "Hello?" "Hi Mom, I'm not hurt." I figured she was probably thinking the worst, but I couldn't bare to go another day without telling them! "Ok...." "I just wanted to tell you something." "Ok..." "I'm pregnant." Then a silence hits the phone, as my mom slowly wakes up, processing what her first daughter had just told her, from counties away, "Oh my....Oh my goodness! Mike, Mike! Jenny's pregnant!" I could almost see my Dad, moan, trying to respond, but fairly unaware of the world at 4:00am on a holiday--the same way my husband sleeps. However, Mom, was awake. Oh my goodness I can't believe it! Which was then followed by multiple questions and a short conversation.  We hung up, and my heart felt lighter. No matter how old you get, sometimes, you just need your parents. And in just a few short months, I, as a kid, get to join their side; me, a parent. My whole paradigm is shifting.



September 11:
   We started gradually telling our best friends, calling them one by one. Amanda Shettleroe laughed, my sister Julia screamed, and Scotts parents were beyond thrilled. However, one thing everyone shared in common, they were all so excited for us. September 11th, we made it as official as you can, we went Facebook. :)  My favorite comment was from our friend Joshua Flynt, who wrote on Scott's wall, "Did someone hack into y'alls facebook account, or is this for real." :) It took us texting him back to convince him that, this was, in fact true. "Yes, we're pregnant, and we're so excited!"